so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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