Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
