So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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