Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
