What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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