So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
