You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
