Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
