I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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