finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
