I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
