quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
