can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
