I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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