that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
