this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
