Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
