she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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