in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
