You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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