I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
