Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
