i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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