She said her name was "party"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
