why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
