i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
just found out that she named her cat after me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
