the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
