i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
