In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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