Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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