dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
