Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
