Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
