I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
