Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
then he tried to convert me to islam
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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