Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
