my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
