I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
