sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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