How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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