I hate your face
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
