I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
