oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
