I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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