I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
They took my balls.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
