I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
