we have officially mastered the walk of shame
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
