Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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