I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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