You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
