I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
