Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
