If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
