I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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