Well douche your snatch and let's go!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
