You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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